Hollywood Lied to Me About Childbirth

We’ve finally completed our two weekend ante-natal classes and I can finally (somewhat) say now; that I have a safe grasp on what exactly is going to happen to me and my lady parts for when that jubilant yet terrifying due date approaches. I should start off by saying that Hollywood movies are full of shite and anything you’ve seen in the movies is horribly inaccurate and misleading. Between incessant agonizing screaming and mums casually being pushed out on wheelchairs glowing with their newborn cradled in their arms, I had never really understood what goes on in that mysterious period in between.

 

Until just a fortnight ago, I had refused to watch a single birthing video because I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to un-see what was happening to the poor unsuspecting mother’s lady parts. Think of Chandler when he innocently begins watching this R-rated video that Monica graciously purchased as a Valentines Day surprise, only to find a hairy head crowning out of a woman’s lady part. I’m not sure what I was doing during health classes in high school – I may or may not have had a stint of absenteeism – but it seems that everyone around me has watched a birthing video, except me.

 

Chandler & Monica Birthing Video

To really add fuel to my anxiety; my grandmother – who was a midwife for 27 years of her life – consistently torments with comments like “the pain of labour will be so excruciating that when they cut your perineum (more on that later) with a pair of scissors, you won’t feel a thing.” I don’t know about you but hearing that makes me want to tell my unborn child to get comfortable because he ain’t ever coming out.

 

After the longest six hours of my life sitting in a room with 20 other couples all expecting to welcome their firstborns in the New Year, I thought I’d share with you all the things that I thought I knew about labour but was completely wrong about. This would be particularly useful for those new mums in this generation who are completely clueless to what their bodies actually undergo during birth.

 

  1. Your waters breaking won’t be as ceremonious as you think

I can’t count how many times I’ve watched movies where you see women standing in pools of fluids as water comes gushing out like a burst water pipe. Truth is you may experience just a trickle that may gradually increase or if in the case with some women, your waters don’t break then your doctor will have to do it for you.

  1. delivery-room-labor-memeA birth plan is useless most of the time

Let’s face it, life never really goes to plan and why should childbirth be any different? I’ve read countless blogs on what to pack for the hospital and in each they will highlight the importance of bringing your birth plan along (multiple copies in case the entire hospital needs to be clued in on it) as if it was a life-saving manual that needs to be followed to a tee. After speaking to numerous mums, the birth plans never go to plan so I’ve decided to wing it. My only plan is to last as long as I possibly can without an epidural.

 

  1. The Things You Didn't Know About Giving BirthYou’re not constantly in pain during labour

It’s the contractions that hurt and as you progress through the phases of dilation they gradually become longer in duration with shorter intervals. During these intervals between contractions, you generally won’t feel much until the next one is upon you. I was under the misguided perception that you would be in constant and unrelenting pain for hours but as our midwife corrected, this isn’t actually the case.  

 

  1. Transition phase will be your worst nightmare

The way the midwife described this was that everything you felt up until the 7 centimetres of dilation is nothing compared to the last 3 centimetres known as the transition phase. You’ll feel like strangling your own mother if she was in arms reach – I’ll settle for Chris because I’ll hate the fact that he won’t EVER have to experience this pain. If you manage to survive through this without pain relief then the last stage is to push the football out of you and from what I’ve heard, that’s the easy part.

 

  1. An epidural can make the birthing process euphoric – if it works.

In a small percentage of cases (5-8%) the epidural may not spread to the entire area symmetrically, which means the pain relief will only be limited to certain areas. pregnancy-meme-10

 

  1. A cut down there is always better than a tear

Your doctor may need to do the occasional snip down there to allow your baby safe passage out – also known as an episiotomy. For the love of God don’t Google it. You’ve been warned. What you need to know and what I have taken solace in is that you’ll more than likely be delirious from the pain earlier that you won’t even feel it. The perineum is that soft tissue between your vagina and anus and the idea is to protect this from ever tearing all the way through which is why doctors may cut from a 45 degree angle into the area to control the tearing and give the baby more space to get its head out.

 

I’m sure there are many more horrifically wonderful elements to childbirth that I haven’t included here but I’m doing my best not to freak myself out that I only have six weeks left before having to endure this.

If I had a meme to sum up how I feel right now this delightful creature would be it. 

Pregnancy Memes Funny

 

If you haven’t read it already then check out the reasons why I don’t enjoy being pregnant

>>P.S Net-a-Porter started their 50% off sale today and I’ve already racked up a hefty credit card bill and wanted to share with you my favourite moo-moos for summer 😉 Thank me later peeps xx<<

 

Helen

Helen Chik is a Sydney based fashion, beauty, travel and lifestyle digital content creator and influencer sharing everything from unique style to her adventures around the world through her rainbow tinted lenses.

  • Crissy Conner

    This is awesome, makes me think back to my pregnancies and birth. No pregnancy or birth is the same, thankfully we all experience something unique and different. You’ll remember a lot, but you also forget the worst parts after you hold the baby in your arms. Good luck and wishing you a safe, comfortable delivery.

  • Patricia

    Completely agree about the birth plan. I didn’t have an ultrasound during my pregnancy and the baby’s heartbeat was always easily found and I measured just right for A growing baby. After having normal pregnancies I didn’t want an invasive pregnancy so we just went with the minimum. Fast forward to the delivery room and everything went according to my birth plan right up until the doctor said “there’s a baby B!” In case your wondering yes we had twins and no we didn’t know about it till the delivery room (twins are 9 now).

  • Jennifer Quattrucci

    I really feel you explained the reality if it all so well. I’ve gone through childbirth 3 times and although each time was different they all are the same in that they were NOT like the movies. I am so happy for you and amazed at how you pulled all this information together so well!!! I wish you the very best!!!!

  • Helena Marz

    You have great points but I agree that it is nothing like in the movies. I never had any babies of my own and have always been terrified of pregnancy and giving birth for many reasons:(( I hope everything goes well for you❤️

  • Kimmie Schier

    Haven’t experienced this yet but I know what blog post to refer back to when it’s my time 🙂
    xo Kimmie

  • Shraddha Tripathi

    I can relate this post with mine. I like the way yo express everything.

  • Nataly Kimball

    I haven’t had a baby yet, but this is going to come in handy when I do! Thanks for sharing babe!

  • Ashley Bass

    Love this! The first one about th water breaking is so true. When mine broke I was like oh thats it LOL I was expecticting something much more.

  • Azanique

    I totally love this! Such a funny way to talk about childbirth.

    -xo, Azanique | http://www.lotsofsass.com

  • Taylor Smith

    Good luck mama!!!! I hope you have a super easy birth. 🙂

  • Vasundhra Singh

    So True! It is not like what they show in movies. A friend of mine told me that a cut down there is not as bad as it sounds like and that recovery is quick. An epidural is great but unfortunately it didn’t work for me!

  • Josee Regimbald

    Hahah definitely not like the movies for sure! good luck mama it’s an amazing experience!

  • Alexi R

    lovely read, It’s true about the lied chirldbirh that is showed on television. I can sense the seriousness and the humour on this article at the same time. LOL the last photo made me really laugh hard.

  • Dee Jaye

    Oh no. I completely understand the feeling of things being different than expected. I pray for a smooth delivery.

  • Gina Diaz

    I haven’t had any children yet, but for my sister was not easy especially with the second baby. I totally understand how you feel and I hope everything goes well, best wishes! xx. Gina

  • LOL love that meme… I have not been pregnant yet but you give me a lot to look forward to… =P

  • Marcy Yu

    Im not a mom yet and probably I’m very far to be one lol but I’m sure this post will be very relevant for many mommas to be. My sister give birth to an adorable nephew 8 years ago and I can relate reading this post because she use to tell me same. Real life pregnancy is not like movies and is something that you cannot even put into words when the moment has arrived. You will be a great and cutest mom ever!! Good luck and all the best!

    xoxo
    Marcy

  • Having had two children both natural born and my second completely drug free (au natural, no epidural) I can tell you that a woman is more capable of enduring labor than she thinks. I used to be terrified just like you and did every research I could on child labor before having my first. The truth is when that moment comes, you will be more than ready and if you are not, your body will naturally be ready. I will spare the details of my birth story, but I wish you all the best and can’t wait to see your precious bundle of joy!

    xo Sheree
    PoshClassyMom.com

  • Well, it’s a very controversial topic to discuss, and it always frightens me. That’s why I don’t have kids yet, because I’m too scared just to think about all this staff. Thank you for such an explanation, I do believe it will help a lot of mothers-to-be overcome their fears associated with the birth of a child.

    Cheers, Eliza | http://www.fashion-confession.com

  • Hey Darling:)
    How are you?
    I hope everything will be Fine with you and the Baby:)
    I didn’t knew so many thing but after your post I know much more…
    Good Luck again:)
    Wish you Happy Holidays
    Love Kisses Karina

  • Yep! You really have no idea what to expect. When I see movies and people are just looking a little uncomfortable and moaning a little I know they have never had a baby IRL. I always tell everyone not to be a hero and drugs are your friend. Mine went so fast that I had to go natural and it’s horrific. Still brings tears to my eyes. But it’s only one day and then it’s over. And actually I was in constant out of my mind pain the whole time. There was no break for me. Luckily I go fast so it’s not an all day ordeal like it is for some people. But try not to focus on that one day. It’s just one really really really bad day. And maybe it won’t be horrible for you. It was for me, but I hear it’s not so bad for everyone. Good luck mama!
    XO
    http://www.lehoarder.com/

  • Candace

    LOL I am a curious woman and I just had to google “episiotomy” and now I’m scarred for life. I was also one who thought labor meant constant pain, but I guess some women can be super dramatic! It does calm me in knowing what a high tolerance I have for pain to make my future potential childbirth(s) easier!

  • LAKO EVA

    Good luck;) I have 2 girls borned with natural parts. Don’t worry about this everything will be ok. You need to think positive.
    Xx
    Eva
    http://www.themermaidfashion.com

  • Pipesnbuttons

    Oh girl, I’m going to be going thru this too. I want to try to have a natural birth but we will see… It’s scary and yeah I heard it’s nothing like the movies. I wonder how/what I’ll look like. I’ve already seen all the videos out there that I could get my hands on. Lol, I like being prepared hahaha!